


don’t say goodbye

by displayheartcode



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode: 2017 Xmas Twice Upon a Time, Episode: s09e11 Heaven Sent, Episode: s09e12 Hell Bent, F/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 12:58:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17002101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/displayheartcode/pseuds/displayheartcode
Summary: You’ll tear the sky apart, reduce the solar system to cinders and burn through all of time just to see her again.





	don’t say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know what this is.

_How many Claras have you lost, Doctor?_  

The stars die out in pale flashes of light. You stand at the edge of eternity and you’re surrounded by ghosts. The choice is there in the proof of your bloodied hands by breaking your way through a diamond mountain. _How many seconds?_ How many moments have you lived without her since the Raven took her? Billions of years without her, without hearing her laugh and knowing her smile, the song of time echoing in every cell of her being. But what is life knowing you’ve stopped her heartbeat? 

“Will you tell her what you're going to do?” Me says. She sits in her armchair. Time has turned her flesh and blood into stone. _Do you not remember?_ you want to ask her. You want to gesture to the library full of memories, to beg for something of her humanity to return. _Do you not remember what this desperation feels like?_  

“Of course,” you lie.

“When?”

Eternity presses closer around them; the web is tightening. The four knocks from earlier rings throughout your mind. Always four knocks. It’s the universe’s way of reminding you of what happens when you fracture something vital that cannot heal unless you let something go.

You stop by the door, then you turn slightly to see her. “Promise me one thing,” you say to Me.  “That you won’t travel alone. Eternity is too long for any of us to bear.”

It’s the best you have to a proper goodbye.

-

And it breaks. 

The ground rushes up to you as something cracks inside your mind. It snaps your memories like a rubber band, bringing you back to the start with Daleks and a girl trapped inside, a woman falling from the clouds, her standing by the door. You remember that moment after dying at how she steps back from you in fear. It could happen again. You won’t recognize her, maybe she won’t recognize you. Just ghosts to each other.

 _Tell her,_ the universe prompts. It forces you to meet her eyes. See her one last time. See her while you still can.

“No! Stop it. You're saying goodbye.” Clara cries out.   _“Don't say goodbye!”_  

You hold onto her, your memories breaking and fracturing into pieces so the universe can move on. You have to accept it. Let her go. It’s time for you to let her go.

 _Please, oh, please._ The edges of your vision go dark as a part of you struggles to stay on. You need to hold onto her for just another moment, just one more second before you lose her again. “Never be cruel and never be cowardly.”   _Don’t be like me. Don’t live alone with your fear._ “And if you ever are, always make amends.” _Forgive me, Clara._

Your last memory of her is what you do best—lying. _It’s okay._ The tears falling down her face. Your sacrifice. _Don't you worry. I'll remember it._

-

The music lingers in the air. Your hands know something your mind doesn’t and the waitress looks at you with a sad smile as you play. The story in the song grows, fumbling over the hole that you can’t fill. _You know her name,_ the song reminds you. _You know it’s Clara._ You can’t remember the rest. You play what you can into your music just to try. 

“You said memories become stories when we forget them.” The waitress starts to walk away. Her form is silhouetted by the fluorescent lights. She pauses midway to look at him. “Maybe some of them become songs.”  

There is no need to say goodbye to her. You strum the guitar and turn away. “That would be nice.”

“Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?” Her voice comes to you like a dream, like Eurydice to Orpheus before he steps fully into the land of the living. You can’t turn back, you mustn’t turn back to look at her. _She’ll fade away like smoke if you see her,_ promises something inside of you.

She is gone and you’re left with another memory. A ghost to chase throughout space and time until you can no longer remember who you’re searching for 

All you have left is her music.

-

Clara appears before you and your heart is overflown at the sight. It thaws at the cold Bill and Nardole have started to melt with their presence. A man like you shouldn’t be used to such miracles, but here you are – standing at an empty battlefield, you are reunited with their ghosts.

_Are you ready to let them all go?_

Dawn touches the sky and snow falls in light flurries. Their memories are returned in streams of pale light and it is time for you to leave as regenerative energy burns at your fingertips.

_You can let yourself go now._

You say goodbye.


End file.
